You’ve got the love brain.
On the last day, teary eyed, I asked him to choose between me and her.
The previous midnight I insisted people are not built with two hearts.
How very ironic that just about a month before, it took all my strength to pretend I didn’t know.
I had to hold my own curiosity, anything to delay myself from confirming he was falling in love with her while saying I-love-you’s to me.
On the last anniversary we celebrated, I would have done anything to reaffirm we once loved each other.
I burnt parts of myself to keep the fire alive, holding back my own logic.
How do people manage to wrestle down their own thoughts but not their emotions.
I still remember very well like the way we never forget what we look like after looking through mirrors.
On the first day we met, he asked if I wanted to join him for some coffee.
Of course I went. I figured I needed coffee to keep me awake later that night. And in a way it had kept me awake even the nights after.
How is it that my heart took a leap the moment the edges of her lips curved, smiling at me in a chanced glance, skipping a beat in the process. It was almost like the heart has eyes.
Right there, when he turned,
something was written in the air between me and him,
memories flashed in black and white
and a little part of it already blurred
These half blur yet vivid memories
they slam the door while my heart is in between
crushing it half on his side half on mine
Half wanting to leave these memories
stacked in a room and locked behind my head
The remaining half wanting to find the keys
- someone who takes people’s hearts to feed their ego.
- already dead inside.
- stays up all night chatting or texting or winning your heart.
- seeks validity.
I guess we never realize how toxic someone is until we breathe fresher air. So to you, deary, I hope you find the oxygen to your hydrogen gas. Someone fluid like water that looks through your cracks and sees what you have inside like water seeping through a broken vase. I hope you find that someone to have a strong bond with. A bond that can return to its old fluid state even after turning into ice in your on and off relationship. And when you meet that person, I hope you meet the chemistry as well. S/he’ll be the postive to your negatives and you’ll be the positive to his negatives. As if soulmates are born with polarities made for each other.
I was screaming my silence at him.
I missed him.
But he didn’t seek me.
He was screaming his silence back at me.
We were having this conversation in the silence.
Secretly loving each other at a distance.
Too afraid to be sought.
I’ll let thoughts of him fill the emptiness I’m feeling.
Our love wasn’t trapped in a box. It wasn’t hidden in a package waiting to be delivered to the right person. There is no right person. There was just us, two people an ocean away. People will never understand how we deliver our love to each other. Maybe cupid flies across oceans for us. This, unseen, unheard, but felt from an ocean away, tucks me to bed in cold nights and I know then that I can sleep in peace and wake up to your love . And though the tides may turn and the tides will flip, it never managed to drown what we had. Maybe you didn’t stay by my side, maybe you couldn’t, but we found love beyond the four walls of our bedroom.
In the end
I was only a person
caught up in an idea
that I could still make it work
I was still fighting
but you were already packing up
I was foolish enough to be lost
in a maze I was searching for a way out
out of love
I never found my way out
I learned to settle at a dead end
Of shivering nights and silent days
There was no love left but mine
and I had to give it to myself
because I needed love
and there was no one
Everyday I woke in that dead end
and I was alone
I learned to settle in that dead end
because I was too exhausted to find my way out
I was too lost to find my way out
I did not have to exhaust myself
in finding a way out
That was when it stopped being a maze
I made a home in that dead end
I found a home
a new start by the end of us
I wasn’t lost in a maze
It may have been a strange place without you
But it was the me I gained back