April

When I open my eyes

there are no more arms enveloping me.

There is no more additional body warmth.

Now it just feels colder outside.

And more than anything, inside.

I see the empty space beside me.

She is the first thing I think about.

There are so much traces of her in my everyday.

The food I eat, the music I hear, the memories I remember.

I should’ve known it was a lie to believe

that she would leave.

Not different from all the other lies.

I see her in my everyday.

It almost feels like a lie that she left.

First date

On the last day, teary eyed, I asked him to choose between me and her.
The previous midnight I insisted people are not built with two hearts.
How very ironic that just about a month before, it took all my strength to pretend I didn’t know.
I had to hold my own curiosity, anything to delay myself from confirming he was falling in love with her while saying I-love-you’s to me.
On the last anniversary we celebrated, I would have done anything to reaffirm we once loved each other.
I burnt parts of myself to keep the fire alive, holding back my own logic.
How do people manage to wrestle down their own thoughts but not their emotions.
I still remember very well like the way we never forget what we look like after looking through mirrors.
On the first day we met, he asked if I wanted to join him for some coffee.
Of course I went. I figured I needed coffee to keep me awake later that night. And in a way it had kept me awake even the nights after.

You see, you don’t.

Of my most innocent days, of admiring colors in the wings of a butterfly, and days of staring blankly at the rain or tucking myself in bed only to feel cozy in the warmth I am in, emphasized by the cold, I had once wished for Harry Potter’s cloak too. I was certain I wanted to make myself disappear.

And then one day my little heart understood why comics were labeled ‘Marvel’. These didn’t contain fairytales but you would marvel by the idea, your imagination would thrive in the stories, devouring every ounce of fiction. I once dreamt of getting superpowers too.

I now come at the age where I stare at my old self, because my comic spent childhood is like a dream I woke up from. And now X-men to me means irrelevant. X-men. I don’t need special abilities. I grew up typical, and yes my imaginations and dreams thrived in books. I did go through a phase where I can be labeled a bookworm. And again I tell you, I am at this age now. And writers don’t need to bring me fiction. Because one day I met her, she is so beautiful and so perfect in her imperfections, and here I am, a typical.

One day I met her and woke up from my entire childhood. Harry Potter’s cloak, Marvel’s special powers, X-men abilities, fiction, see she proved to me that I did not need those things to be invisible.

To the love I lost but the me I gained back

In the end
I was only a person
caught up in an idea
that I could still make it work
I was still fighting
but you were already packing up

I was foolish enough to be lost
in a maze I was searching for a way out
out of love
I never found my way out
I learned to settle at a dead end
Of shivering nights and silent days

There was no love left but mine
and I had to give it to myself
because I needed love
and there was no one
Everyday I woke in that dead end
and I was alone

I learned to settle in that dead end
because I was too exhausted to find my way out
I was too lost to find my way out
I did not have to exhaust myself
in finding a way out
That was when it stopped being a maze

I made a home in that dead end
I found a home
a new start by the end of us
I wasn’t lost in a maze
It may have been a strange place without you
But it was the me I gained back

It takes some physics to fall out of love

It takes some physics to fall out of love
something more logical to know the truth
that when I became too attracted to you
you became the center of my planet

a gravity holding everything together
and if I taught it through
it was the same gravity that stopped me from soaring
but to me you were so much more than that

you weren’t just gravity itself
you were the planet
my home
you were where I belonged

and I was water
your world would be without life
you needed me too
you were the planet and I was water

we belonged together
even if I kept trying to escape I’d fall for you again
so until I am strong enough to break out of this
made up universe of ours

I may never be able to convince myself
not enough to think
you are not my world
we are just people

that I am not like water
you needed me less than I think
the slightest of sparks that ignited the big bang
didn’t create a separate universe for us