April

When I open my eyes

there are no more arms enveloping me.

There is no more additional body warmth.

Now it just feels colder outside.

And more than anything, inside.

I see the empty space beside me.

She is the first thing I think about.

There are so much traces of her in my everyday.

The food I eat, the music I hear, the memories I remember.

I should’ve known it was a lie to believe

that she would leave.

Not different from all the other lies.

I see her in my everyday.

It almost feels like a lie that she left.

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And so I write.

I can tell you of a time he asks you to guess something and you say like “bananas!” and you both keep on laughing in your class your Professor will have to scold you.

I’ll tell you his dimples show when he smiles, his curls don’t uncurl with the wind, his eyes glow when he sees you, and his voice has a hint of perfection. This is the guy you met. This is the guy you know.

I can tell you that you will go on road trips, eat in fast food chains and Chinese restaurants, enjoy Korean food, and watch western drama. You’ll have the whole world to yourselves. I’ll tell you then that you can ace your classes and inspire each other. As if you are almost invincible.

I’ll tell you, to be fair, I’ll tell you what people don’t want to tell you. You can lose in a battle against time. You can grow together yet change differently. When the day comes, stupidity hits when people insist to put a question mark where there is already a period. Perhaps of all the things we get right, we hurt all the more for a share of wrong. Like a 59/60 feeling in a test, a tinge of regret. He’s the missing 1.

Now I’ll warn you about the after effects. You feel the hurt once and the pain comes back again. Like an earthquake with the aftershocks, and you feel damaged and hurt in more parts of you. There is no Physics in love when it says the distance an object goes up is the distance it travels going down yet it seems people crash further when they fall. Isn’t love illogical?

From me to you, with love.

I knew I couldn’t watch you go when my tears decided to blur the sight of you leaving. I didn’t place my heart on your door so you could step on it on your way out. People learn. I have tied my emotions in ribbons so the next time I give my heart to someone, he’ll only ever have it when he decides to tear apart my gift-wrapped walls.

Oil on canvas
Artwork by Roy Rosatase

To the love I lost but the me I gained back

In the end
I was only a person
caught up in an idea
that I could still make it work
I was still fighting
but you were already packing up

I was foolish enough to be lost
in a maze I was searching for a way out
out of love
I never found my way out
I learned to settle at a dead end
Of shivering nights and silent days

There was no love left but mine
and I had to give it to myself
because I needed love
and there was no one
Everyday I woke in that dead end
and I was alone

I learned to settle in that dead end
because I was too exhausted to find my way out
I was too lost to find my way out
I did not have to exhaust myself
in finding a way out
That was when it stopped being a maze

I made a home in that dead end
I found a home
a new start by the end of us
I wasn’t lost in a maze
It may have been a strange place without you
But it was the me I gained back

Lost, not found

that bouquet of roses in the garbage

have you seen the girl crying at the corner of her bed

Is she sleeping with her ex

has she gotten that text

she had been waiting for

the last two weeks

It’s past ten

Is she sleepy

Is she still waiting

what does she want

a call

a text

an apology

I’ll give it to her

have you seen her

confused

in love

longing

I’ve been looking

everywhere

to find her

hug her

whisper empty promises

in the nights

her soft caress

innocent and pure

her voice

my cold heart

craves for the warmth

of her flawless skin

I’ll give her all of my cold heart

and when I do

I need her to believe

to believe in me once again

She is somewhere

hiding in the corner

crying

breaking

used

 I want her mine

and I want more than her

She is probably wondering who I  really am

I’m the guy she broke herself for

she probably forgot me

she had probably

already moved on

or maybe

maybe she doesn’t even

know me

maybe she is yet to meet me

maybe I left her without knowing

what I had to lose

maybe she’s waiting for me

I still want more of her

I’m coming back for her

She is hollow inside

she is wondering who emptied her heart

who took it with him

trapped it in a bottle with the others

have you seen her

If you see her

please tell her

she needs a little light

tell her it was me

-Mr. wrong

 

When you forget to remember

It’s all downhill from here

passion’s fading

it gets easier

you start to hear the birds chirp again

in the mornings

when you woke up in the smell of brewed coffee

in the nights when you’re okay

watching a movie by yourself

when you’re not with him

and not lonely at the same time

when you’re eating homecooked dinner

and you forget to remember him