Because I couldn’t

For a while I had forced him to fit my narrative.
I did not want to make it easy for him to leave,

paint him the bad guy because I couldn’t watch him walk out on us.

Because I couldn’t.

I guess he will always just be that special person but not the one.

I had given up everything including myself just to win back someone who was long gone.

But even the most stupid of mistakes, I would gladly do over and over.

I guess he will always be that person, just not the way we were together.



When I open my eyes

there are no more arms enveloping me.

There is no more additional body warmth.

Now it just feels colder outside.

And more than anything, inside.

I see the empty space beside me.

She is the first thing I think about.

There are so much traces of her in my everyday.

The food I eat, the music I hear, the memories I remember.

I should’ve known it was a lie to believe

that she would leave.

Not different from all the other lies.

I see her in my everyday.

It almost feels like a lie that she left.

To the love I lost but the me I gained back

In the end
I was only a person
caught up in an idea
that I could still make it work
I was still fighting
but you were already packing up

I was foolish enough to be lost
in a maze I was searching for a way out
out of love
I never found my way out
I learned to settle at a dead end
Of shivering nights and silent days

There was no love left but mine
and I had to give it to myself
because I needed love
and there was no one
Everyday I woke in that dead end
and I was alone

I learned to settle in that dead end
because I was too exhausted to find my way out
I was too lost to find my way out
I did not have to exhaust myself
in finding a way out
That was when it stopped being a maze

I made a home in that dead end
I found a home
a new start by the end of us
I wasn’t lost in a maze
It may have been a strange place without you
But it was the me I gained back

Unbosomings during my early puberty stage

I lock the door and I lock myself from the rest of the world. Or at least things used to be that way.

It’s a well plotted fib for immature teenagers like me. Whenever I had a bad day or whenever I was in a bad mood, I used to lock myself in my bedroom and never come out, thinking, that way, I could escape from the harsh conditions of the real world.
I would wish to just stay in there forever, to never ever have to come out.
What I then do the whole time I’m in my bedroom is sleep. Yes. It’s actually a very good way of escaping reality. And when I wake up, I would force myself to sleep again.

Dreams could be nightmares, but most of the time they are better than reality.
And you know what, people grow up. One day, I actually have grown enough to know that sleeping it out won’t change things.
Things are gonna be the same when I wake up, and no matter how much I push myslef back to sleep, it will still be the same when I wake up again.
And I will eventually have to come out of my room because I’m human and I get hungry too, and worse, I would have to make up for all the time I spent sleeping.
It took a lot of bad days and sleep for me to build up enough courage to not lock myself in my room the next time.

Life is like a huge slap in the face. You are forced to let go of your childhood pipe dreams more than one at a time.
Dear me,
You’re not gonna be an astronaut when you grow up.

to the time I found out Santa Claus was long dead.

I swear, life is a real heart breaker.
Fairytales are fairytales, fantasies are fantasies, life is not a movie.
The reality of the whole thing dawned on me one day, and I would go to sleep wishing it would be different when I wake up.

Everyone has to grow up at some point in their lives.
With the overpopulation today, imagine how all the people managed to rise above the wretched days puberty brings.
PS: Dear Kid, don’t let the bullies bite.