April

When I open my eyes

there are no more arms enveloping me.

There is no more additional body warmth.

Now it just feels colder outside.

And more than anything, inside.

I see the empty space beside me.

She is the first thing I think about.

There are so much traces of her in my everyday.

The food I eat, the music I hear, the memories I remember.

I should’ve known it was a lie to believe

that she would leave.

Not different from all the other lies.

I see her in my everyday.

It almost feels like a lie that she left.

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And so I write.

I can tell you of a time he asks you to guess something and you say like “bananas!” and you both keep on laughing in your class your Professor will have to scold you.

I’ll tell you his dimples show when he smiles, his curls don’t uncurl with the wind, his eyes glow when he sees you, and his voice has a hint of perfection. This is the guy you met. This is the guy you know.

I can tell you that you will go on road trips, eat in fast food chains and Chinese restaurants, enjoy Korean food, and watch western drama. You’ll have the whole world to yourselves. I’ll tell you then that you can ace your classes and inspire each other. As if you are almost invincible.

I’ll tell you, to be fair, I’ll tell you what people don’t want to tell you. You can lose in a battle against time. You can grow together yet change differently. When the day comes, stupidity hits when people insist to put a question mark where there is already a period. Perhaps of all the things we get right, we hurt all the more for a share of wrong. Like a 59/60 feeling in a test, a tinge of regret. He’s the missing 1.

Now I’ll warn you about the after effects. You feel the hurt once and the pain comes back again. Like an earthquake with the aftershocks, and you feel damaged and hurt in more parts of you. There is no Physics in love when it says the distance an object goes up is the distance it travels going down yet it seems people crash further when they fall. Isn’t love illogical?

First date

On the last day, teary eyed, I asked him to choose between me and her.
The previous midnight I insisted people are not built with two hearts.
How very ironic that just about a month before, it took all my strength to pretend I didn’t know.
I had to hold my own curiosity, anything to delay myself from confirming he was falling in love with her while saying I-love-you’s to me.
On the last anniversary we celebrated, I would have done anything to reaffirm we once loved each other.
I burnt parts of myself to keep the fire alive, holding back my own logic.
How do people manage to wrestle down their own thoughts but not their emotions.
I still remember very well like the way we never forget what we look like after looking through mirrors.
On the first day we met, he asked if I wanted to join him for some coffee.
Of course I went. I figured I needed coffee to keep me awake later that night. And in a way it had kept me awake even the nights after.

You see, you don’t.

Of my most innocent days, of admiring colors in the wings of a butterfly, and days of staring blankly at the rain or tucking myself in bed only to feel cozy in the warmth I am in, emphasized by the cold, I had once wished for Harry Potter’s cloak too. I was certain I wanted to make myself disappear.

And then one day my little heart understood why comics were labeled ‘Marvel’. These didn’t contain fairytales but you would marvel by the idea, your imagination would thrive in the stories, devouring every ounce of fiction. I once dreamt of getting superpowers too.

I now come at the age where I stare at my old self, because my comic spent childhood is like a dream I woke up from. And now X-men to me means irrelevant. X-men. I don’t need special abilities. I grew up typical, and yes my imaginations and dreams thrived in books. I did go through a phase where I can be labeled a bookworm. And again I tell you, I am at this age now. And writers don’t need to bring me fiction. Because one day I met her, she is so beautiful and so perfect in her imperfections, and here I am, a typical.

One day I met her and woke up from my entire childhood. Harry Potter’s cloak, Marvel’s special powers, X-men abilities, fiction, see she proved to me that I did not need those things to be invisible.

To the love I lost but the me I gained back

In the end
I was only a person
caught up in an idea
that I could still make it work
I was still fighting
but you were already packing up

I was foolish enough to be lost
in a maze I was searching for a way out
out of love
I never found my way out
I learned to settle at a dead end
Of shivering nights and silent days

There was no love left but mine
and I had to give it to myself
because I needed love
and there was no one
Everyday I woke in that dead end
and I was alone

I learned to settle in that dead end
because I was too exhausted to find my way out
I was too lost to find my way out
I did not have to exhaust myself
in finding a way out
That was when it stopped being a maze

I made a home in that dead end
I found a home
a new start by the end of us
I wasn’t lost in a maze
It may have been a strange place without you
But it was the me I gained back